everything i do i give my heart and soul

The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it okay... I miss you.

What I learned this weekend: There are pros and cons to everything and neither of those matter if you don't care. Bananas and blueberries go well on waffles. Sometimes we're lost because we don't have maps. Such as. Pumpkin Spice Owls and Blueberry Birds are especially there to make me happy. We have the rest of forever to make money and drive lumps of metal. Avril Lavigne songs can make me cry. My friends and family are for keeps. And Matt is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I am blessed.

I always needed time on my own. I never thought I'd need you there when I cried.

"What's it say about worrying? Don't do it. It's all over the place in the Bible. Don't worry about about tomorrow - today has enough trouble of it's own. That's Matthew. Another place it reminds you that tomorrow may never come." - a Mom paraphrase

I can't really keep my eyes open to type anything else. So tired.

but never is a promise and i'll never need a lie

But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights.
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception.
My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights.

I found a cd today that someone made me years ago with lots of beautiful songs with beautiful lyrics and I'm upset that I had lost it for so long.

I think I need to take the scale out of my room. I'm driving myself nuts.

I start my yoga class next week. I'm excited.

I miss my boyfriend. I can't wait to see him this weekend.

I'm reading Women's Health Magazine. It's very enlightening and quite informative. I suggest it to anyone who seems vaguely interested.

I love this line of Nike Women's Ads. This particular ad-copy reads: My butt is big And round like the letter C And ten thousand lunges Have made it rounder But not smaller And that's just fine. It's a space heater For my side of the bed It's my ambassador To those who walk behind me It's a border collie That herds skinny women Away from the best deals At clothing sales. My butt is big And that's just fine And those who might scorn it Are invited to kiss it. Just do it.

close your eyes and feel the wind blow through your hair

This is my desktop. That's real graffitti on James Island.

"It's when I'm weary of considerations,
And life is too much like a pathless wood
Where your face burns and tickles with the cobwebs
Broken across it, and one eye is weeping
From a twig's having lashed across it open.
I'd like to get away from earth awhile
And then come back to it and begin over.
May no fate wilfully misunderstand me
And half grant what I wish and snatch me away
Not to return. Earth's the right place for love:
I don't know where it's likely to go better." -- Robert Frost, Birches

... And cool your perfect body and blow away the cross you used to bear.

the latte radish

maybe you should just drink a lot less coffee
and never ever watch the 10 o'clock news.

coffee by erin. photo by kt.

as you lose your sense of ground

I have lots to say and nothing to write. I'm going to Whole Foods today. And these are little origami fishes that kt made for me at work.

Your whole life is here.
No eleventh hour reprieve.
So, don't forget to breathe.

Erin's Story

So, when I was a freshman, I was pretty lost in a lot of ways. And I was also in desperate need of a church. I found it at The Shack. But, little did I know I had also found a support system and a home. Then I found myself and my faith. And I realized that God had a place in my life and not just over it. The Shack helped me cultivate all of these new things.

This is not to say that the last four years of my life have been breezy. They have not. And I've found myself in all sorts of places – literally and spiritually. But no matter how far I wandered away – whether back home for the summer or down to Five Points – The Shack kept finding me and bringing me back. Just the way God keeps picking you up and dusting you off with His grace.

The Shack has been such a blessing. They've provided me with so many amazing opportunities, friends, cups of coffee and stacks of pancakes. You won't miss it, if you never try it, but I suggest you do. It may be the best thing I ever did.

Click HERE for more Shack Stories and information on The Shack.

four five six. the two of us a perfect fit

like an apple on a tree hiding out behind the leaves I was difficult to reach, but you picked me.

I would like to first go on the record as saying it is only interesting to catch up with someone you don't really want to see once. Not repeatedly. Not everyday. It's awkward. (Just in case there was any misunderstanding.)

I ate a peach in my cereal that didn't want to separate from it's pit. I turned into quite the mess and now my fingers smell like peach and are sort of sticky. But I successfully mushed it into my new Nature Valley granola cereal which was quite good. It's weird when you get to the little hunks of granola bar though because if it's at the end, then they're sort of soggy. Good though. (Also, this is not a picture of my breakfast - I stole it from Simply Breakfast.)

I love the book Kitchen Confidential. And I can't wait to finish it to truck on through my stack of books to get to Bourdain's next one that Alison so kindly gifted me for my birthday.

To want to own a restaurant can be a strange and terrible affliction. What causes such a destructive urge in so many otherwise sensible people? Why would anyone who has worked hard, saved money and often been successful in other fields want to pump his hard-earned cash down a hole that statistically, at least, will almost surely prove dry? Why venture into an industry with enormous fixed expenses (rent, electricity, water, linen, maintenance, insurance, license fees, trash removal, etc.), with a notoriously transiet and unstable workforce and highly perishable inventory of assets? The chances of you ever seeing a return on your investments are about one in five. What insidious spongiform bacterium so riddles the brains of men and women that they stand there on the tracks, watching the lights of the oncoming locomotice, knowing full well it will eventually run them over? After all these years in the business, I still don't know. -- Anthony Bourdain, Kitchen Confidential

The best things about my job: telling people I own it, earl grey tea with amaretto, coffee - all kinds all the time, my employees (most of the time), my customers (most of the time), wild strawberry ice cream, making the order and learning what I'm really made of.

The worst things about my job: being in a place of authority, the schedule, quickbooks, purchasing heavy things in hot weather, when things break, when people are sick, when people lie, hiring - I need to do that, and finding out what I'm really made of.

like a shell upon a beach. just another pretty piece. I was difficult to see, but you picked me.

I'm listening to lots of different things these days... Bob Dylan, Amos Lee, The Kooks, A Fine Frenzy (well, one song. It's adorable and pretty and I need more of that...). Little Grey Girlfriend. Priscilla Ahn. Feist. And still the same three Nelly Furtado songs in my car. Oh, Dave, of course, at work mostly.

so softly, rain against the windows and the strong coffee warming up my fingers in this fisherman’s house. you got me, searched the sand and climbed the tree.

Ryan Adams is coming. The Shins are coming - there is this guy who comes into the store (he's a football coach at the Citadel) who happens to have lots of knowledge on the bands I care about and he tells me these sorts of Shins things. I appreciate him. Also, Bob Dylan, Elvis Costell, and Amos Lee are touring TOGETHER to Atlanta and Clemson. Color me green with envy.

But I'm going to Voodoo with my lovely boyfriend and his newest attachment - the iPhone. Yay! And, speaking of, I am very excited about seeing my boyfriend this weekend. And I'm very excited to meet the hippo he got me for my birthday.

and all i can say is you blow me away.

i'm tired of running, let's walk for a minute

Being back at home after four years is strange. Noticing that highschoolers still act the same is strange. Having people I went to highschool with still seem the same is strange. I keep seeing people I've known for years, but also haven't seen in years. It's the mall. It brings us all together for shopping, ice cream and coffee.

A good friend of mine keeps having the same issues that I guess he had in highschool. They seem to be causing stress because he's trying to grow up and move on, but he's going in circles. He has so much potential though. And I saw my exboyfriend today in an awkward stroke of... luck? Coincidence? I'm not sure. I saw his family a couple weeks ago in the store and now I've seen him and I suppose much more since he works at Target which is mere steps from my store. Our conversation was strange. I don't have to deal with ex's a whole lot. It was interesting to catch up.

I see people all the time and it's good to know that lots of them are doing well and are successful or, at the very least, are happy with whatever they're doing at the moment. I hope that my life continues to go forward in a bright direction. I feel like owning and experiencing my own business is a good first step for that. And I hope so much that I don't let people get me down with their questions and doubts. I don't have time for that nonsense.

In other news - I got my Voodoo Music Experience ticket in the mail today. I just have to keep up with it until the end of October. Also, Wally was sick, but is slowing making a comeback to his old self. Kt sent me a most amazing card in the mail - I love getting mail, esp cards that make you feel warm and fuzzy. A customer let me borrown their copy of the Nelly Furtado cd - it's been an experience. And I get to have Chinese food for dinner.

I am now anxiously awaiting the arrival of fall and it's wonderful weather. Morgan Rienzo and I listed all the amazing things about fall today at work which I'll share with you one day when I'm feeling particulary magical (because that's how fall makes you feel) and like typing a lot.

Everyone is going back to school and I'm glad and sad at the very same time. The Shack keeps posting all these bulletins and emails about events. And people keep moving into apartments and dorms. And it's all going to be so amazing, but I feel left out. It sucks to be "grown up" sometimes.

I hope everyone is well and happy. Consider these flowers to be for you!

Gimme one chance. What’s the problem? I don’t see no ring on your hand.

in slow motion, the blast is beautiful.

I'm twenty-two.
I'm a college graduate.
I'm a coffee shop owner.
I'm going to Voodoo Music Experience.
I'm boycotting airlines for today.
I'm being summoned for jury duty in September.
I'm waiting for the heat index to go down.
I'm trying to remember all sorts of things about life.

A famous quote from a conversation with a friend: "Um, well, I'm doing what I'm doing until I'm not doing it anymore and I'm doing something else - whatever and wherever that may be."

Rachel gave me really amazing gifts from Ten Thousand Villages.

A clock is ticking, but it's hidden far away. Safe and sound.

you chose poetry over prose

dinasour421: your life is full of surprises
eringail says: like roosters and fergie references?
dinasour421: yes

a map is more unreal than where you've been or how you feel.

but for now, let me say, without hope or agenda.

Stephanie - my french vanilla cappuccino who just got engaged - let me play with her iphone yesterday. It was beautiful. She was walking by and I yelled out to her and I said "I heard you got an iphone." And she walked over and pulled it out of her bag, laughed and said "your mom told me this would happen," and then she handed it to me. Magic.

The bad news is that I hate hate hate doing the schedule. The good news is that I survived tax free weekend and we did really well.

"i wish everyone in the world knew that frappuccino means cold and blended. tell all your friends." - Bjo

And when I read that on Bjo's blog I could commiserate. And she wrote about people yelling. And then today some lady yelled at me. Repeatedly. And I didn't even do anything to her - I was just trying to give her free coffee. I just wanted her to leave. I would have given her anything in the store to go away. Luckily, all it took was two biscotti and a medium cup of decaf coffee.

I'm reading The Coffeehouse Gospel. It's about sharing my faith in everday conversation. This should be good to learn since I have lots of conversation everyday.

I have The Police cd in my car and everytime I get in I listen to Message in a Bottle and Walking on the Moon and I remember dancing with Tori on a blanket at Bonnaroo. And then I remember dancing with Tori at her wedding. And I think my soul sings a little bit.

And when I hear the Feist cd I think of this summer. And when I think of this summer I think of Fourth of July at Alison's apartment with everybody. And I smile.

And I'm happy. And I'm very (very) busy. And I miss certain people from time to time. And it's weird when I think of us all having separate lives when we all used to be so interwined. But it all works for His purpose. And maybe I don't understand it, but just knowing makes it more bearable.

Psalm 138.
8 The Lord will work out his plans for my life—
for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever.
Don’t abandon me, for you made me.

I ate six clementines today. And an apple with Nutella. And a bag of sour skittles. And they were all delicious.

The smell of toasted cinnamon raisin bagels makes me think of Ikea.

Also, this week I turn 22. Indian Food on Tuesday. Pad Thai and Coconut Cake on Wednesday. And Rachel is coming on Saturday after I get off work. Did I mention that I'm turning 22? I am so old. But not at all.

I think the finish line's a good place we could start. Take a deep breath, take in all that you could want.

that i would be good

I sent off my internship paper.
Four years in one USPS envelope.
I've finally accomplished something big.
I'm graduating. It's so weird.
And it's raining outside. Ooo baby, it's raining.












that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds
that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer queen
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing
that I would be loved even when I'm not myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy
that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good whether with or without you *flute solo*

blame it on the weekends

This weekend is tax free weekend. The good news is that we aren't tax free. The busy news is that everyone else around us is. It should be interesting. Too bad my paper will already be shipped by then.

Also, I just watched the news for about ten minutes. Tragic. Everything is tragic. My mind was clearer and happier when I was watching The Parent Trap earlier.

Oh, we mumble loudly. Wear our shame so proudly. Wore our blank expressions trying to look interesting.

I've been slightly out of contact with people. Hopefully, I will be fixing this next week when things settle down a bit. (You know, the calm before the storm.) I did bake a blueberry crisp for my family yesterday. And I made pasta for dinner tonight. I am keeping up with them.

"If I got another cat, Erin would have to move out and I've gotten sort of attached to having her here."

Language is the liquid that we're all dissolved in - great for solving problems after it creates a problem.

Things that make me happy: boxes of clementines, simply breakfast, make coffee not war shirts, kitchen confidential, hanging out with my mom, wally still being alive, graduating, worship cd at work, caramel crunch coffee, nutella and apples. Bottled water. Oh and my (and everyone else's) birthday month!

Tomorrow, Hanneke will be 22. Tell her you love her and give her nice things. On Wednesday, I'll be 22. I'll accept love and affection throughout the whole month thankyou. And Jones turns 22 on the following Sunday. He'll sleep most of the day, but will be willing to wake up for large bags of gummi bears, I'm sure.

Blame it on the Tetons. God, I need a scapegoat now.

pictures of you still make me smile

This is an awkward photo of Wally, my beta fish. He came from Tori and Craig's wedding. Last summer I got a fish and he died in two weeks. I love Wally. I hope he lives.



I like this picture. It is also a byproduct of Tori and Craig's wedding. This is my boyfriend, Matt. He's shy. Or crazy. The world may never know.

sometimes my mind is floating in another foreign galaxy

I had such a very good weekend.
I got my graduation announcements in the mail.
Does anybody need a job in Charleston?
I've got a lot on my brain. And I'm very tired.

"I think secretly I'm a homebody with domestic tendencies."

I know its hard when the going gets tough,
but i don't want to stop this.
















you and i were a match made at a birthday party.

and you can put the blame on me

And I realize that everything I do is affecting the people around me.

I'm going to have dinner with my dad this week. I haven't gotten to talk to him about everything going on at the store recently. Maybe I'm trying to separate myself from it. He called to tell me he loved me and was proud of me the other day. I hope he still feels that way after tomorrow night. This will be an interesting meal.

My arm still looks like I do heroin. Or like I'm abused. Neither is true.

Iced soy coconut lattes are delicious. So are chocolate croissants - and they're "healthier" than the no sugar added banana cake that I love oh-so-much.

I have a tentative plan. But I've learned plans are unreliable, so we'll see.

I wrote a lot of my internship paper and neglected to do my bible study. Oy.

I understand that there’s some problems and I’m not too blind to know all the pain you kept inside you even though you might not show.

I like the new Akon song. Which surprises me. It's mostly sad. But honest. Maybe that's why I like it because I feel like people are liars or are unreliable - it's frustrating. Ugh.

If I can't apologize for being wrong, then it’s just a shame on me. I’d be the reason for your pain and you can put the blame on me.

but not today

"He could not say anything more. His words were choked by [tears]. I did not know what to say to him. I felt awkward and blundering... It is such a sercret place, the land of tears."

Someone describing my mom: "You're the proverbial flypaper for freaks."

conscious of every move getting harder

I keep stalling out. I just can't keep up.

So, I've realized I'm not lonely. Nope. That's not it at all. I'm confused. I'm walking around in circles. I have no goal. For the first time in 22 years of life - I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going. And it scares me.

I just have to give it time. I have to stop worrying about it. I have to give it over. It's not my plan. Owww.

And now, Israel, what does the Lord your God require of you? He requires only that you fear the Lord your God, and live in a way that pleases him, and love him and serve him with all your heart and soul. (Deuteronomy 10:12)

There's alarming doubt. Am I good enough? But you keep coming around to convince me it's still far from over.

I started looking and the bubble burst

I've got to tell you what a state I'm in, I've got to tell you in my loudest tones, that I started looking for a warning sign.

I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. Yuck. I'm also buying new running shoes and accessories for the wedding. Better.

I signed paychecks today. That was big and important of me.

I go through cycles of loving and hating my job. Occasionally it happens within a 24 hour period.

Sometimes I feel really alone. I'm not. I'm always around people, actually. And I'm always busy - especially during the day. And then at night I'm tired. I just feel disconnected. Maybe. I don't know.

I talked to Alison, but she's in Atlanta. David and I chatted, but now he's out in the field. Matt is at work and I haven't talked to him in days. Kt is schooling and wedding-ing and we can't coordinate our schedules. Rachel is the only other person who works probably more than me and is also busy officially dating. Everyone else is going out of town. I am hanging out with my new friend Jill tomorrow night though. That should be nice.

I wish I knew what I was doing.

So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. (1 Corinthians 10:31)

C.S. Lewis was a wise man:

"It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad."

"Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained."

Yeah, the truth is, that I miss you so.

no one loves me the way you do

I often feel like I'm bad at my job. *sigh*

When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. Psalm 94:19

Our cats had shots today and one keeps throwing up now. I feel really bad for him. It must be terrible to be so little and so sick and so unable to talk.

I finally finished the sermon disc set my mom gave me. It was good to hear.

When I go to bed, I open my blinds so I can wake up to the sunshine. I feel like its a good way to start my day - even if it wakes me up early. I think thats why I like staying at the Granola Hut so much. There is a little window at the end of the bed I sleep on and a giant window that no one can see into in the bathroom. It's refreshing.

So is this iced americano I am drinking. Refreshing. Like crack.

The Starbucks I go to Bible Study at has the no sugar added banana coffee cake that I love. It weighs in at a whopping 470 calories and 27 grams of fat - oh my! Eh. I like that I have a weekly excuse to visit my favorite competition. Though I really only love the one in Five Points.

I'm trying to refocus on Charleston. It's hard after being in Columbia and spending so much time with Matt. I miss both of those things when they're gone, but there is so much work to be done here and so many new things and people to discover. And I have a lot of things to read - my Barak book, do my Bible Study and I'm supposed to read For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men - supposedly it's amazing. Humm.

... and I pray that now at last by God's will the way may be opened for me to come to you. Romans 1:10

I did have such a wonderful weekend though. We even went to a cereal bar downtown called Cereality - it's like heaven.

'cause i will come for you when my days are through and i'll let your smile just off and carry me.