"I don't know if you have heard it lately but you are a very impressive young woman.  Keep it up."

It's nice to hear nice things sometimes.

Boat. Beer. Burrito.

I jumped off the top of a dock. Twice.

tomorrow (tuesday) i have the day off and since i'm too lazy to get out of bed to make my to-do list, i've decided to post it here, so i can look at it in the morning...

sleep in

laundry
buy new ray lamontagne cd
make iced coffee
write to rachel
write to hanneke
call nathan lowe
message kayla
clean off desk (again)
finish development plan
find change purse
change cohen's water
make wednesday's lunch
watch an episode of LOST

that seems like enough, yes? i'm sure i'm forgetting something.

also, go out on the boat.

yep.

tonight, my friend mandy took me to dinner since i was born 25 years ago and when we got our cookies she said tell me what my fortune is about (ie. what it relates to in her life) and i'll tell you what yours is about. she told me that mine was about my neighbor. my cookie said,

be patient and it will happen.

so tonight, he asks me if i want to go out on the boat with him & his dad tomorrow. i'm all sorts of confused... as to why he asked. as to why i said yes. as to why i'm hanging out with his dad. as to what i will wear since my bathing suit has ties on the side.

anyway, that fortune cookie was magic.

and for the record, i miss rachel. and i miss columbia.

but i do like this flickr set :: PERSONA

xo.

Sometimes, loving people is hard.

Not because they make it difficult, but because there are so many ways to love a person. From far away. From across the street. For a long time. Only for a moment.  You can be in love or you can just love. So many variables.

And then what? Do you love them & leave them? Do you leave them & love them?

What do you do?

I think it's impossible to stop loving someone that you have truly loved. But, I also believe, that sometimes you have to let the people you love go. And it's even for the best, at times.

The question is then, do you actively hope for their best interest? Or do you live & let live in apathy?

It's all quite confusing.

Just something I've been pondering with myself & other people.

"you musn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling."

me: what time is it where you are? Hanneke: just about 3:45pm on wednesday.you? me: wednesday?? Hanneke: yep me: it's 11:41pm on tuesday Hanneke: i think i'm 17 hours ahead of you me: weird. Hanneke: hrm. maybe not 17... me: you're in tomorrow. Hanneke: i don't knowi am in tomorrowit's a good day me: thank goodness bc tuesday wasn't completely awesome

something to remember...

from Psalm 42:

  Chaos calls to chaos,
      to the tune of whitewater rapids.
   Your breaking surf, your thundering breakers
      crash and crush me.
   Then God promises to love me all day,
      sing songs all through the night!
      My life is God's prayer.

  Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?
      Why are you crying the blues?
   Fix my eyes on God—
      soon I'll be praising again.
   He puts a smile on my face.
      He's my God.

[the message version]

Mj and I went to the gym at 6 this morning. We figured if my mom, Roy and the neighbor can all get up that early to work out, then we could do it, too. So, there we were at the gym with A LOT of people - more people than when we went at 8 yesterday. Not what I was expecting. Makes sense though.

We did the stair stepper. I love the stair stepper. My bum has missed the stair stepper. Oy.

We're going to do it for a week and see how it goes. How many days does it take to form a habit?

Also, I ran into my neighbor after gymin' it, when I was walking the dog... (Note to Self: look cuter when you go to the gym. And be more sociable first thing in the morning.)

Now, I am getting ready for work... checking facebook, drinking coffee, streaming the new Ray Lamontagne album. Not a bad way to start the day if you ask me. I hope it's lovely for you all. xo.

me: i brought you a surprise!
assoc: does it have to do with dark kiss?
me: gross. no. sorry.
assoc: does it have to do with food?!
me: yes!
assoc: now i'm excited!

assoc: what book did you buy?
me: the happiness project.
assoc: let me see it... "or why i spent a year trying to sing in the morning, clean my closets, fight right, read aristotle, and generally have more fun"... that sounds like you!
me: you're the second person to tell me that!
assoc: it must be true!

me: we would've left on time.
assoc: yeah, but the customer always comes first.
me: yeah, the customer is always right.
assoc: no. not when they buy dancing waters for their hot hot date.

jim denevan at theanthroplogist.com

so, the past few days have been pretty excellent.

friday, i went running barefoot in the rain with lollipop. the neighbors probably think i'm nutso, but we had fun. well, i had fun. she was definitely opposed to the idea at first and then happy to be back inside. she passed out in my room and watched her while she had little puppy dreams. she makes little yip noises. it's adorable.

saturday, i had coffee with a friend and then helped bake my birthday cake and had a glorious party with lots of friends & food. there aren't enough good words for me to write here.

sunday, i officially turned 25! woohoo! so far, i'm loving it. i went to church & had lunch with the fam, watched LOST, went to Sbux with Rebecca and helped baked cupcakes. and by help, i mean i liked the beaters and went to the store to buy butter. other than that, i was pretty lazy. (also, completely exhausted from saturday - dang, i'm getting OLD!)

oh, i watched Remember Me - i got it with my netflix. it was... good and... not good. it made me think a lot about life and how we live it (or how we don't). but the end. yeah, thanks for that.... hmph.

this morning, i got up and went to the gym with mj - we needed it! and then i made coconut curry tempeh and broccoli to take for dinner tonight. brewed coffee & drank it with dark chocolate creamer while watching an episode of LOST. i'm in love with sawyer & kate right now. them together even though they're not together. this episode made me cry. (season two, episode eight) it's the very first one to make me do so. go figure.

now, i'm gearing up for work. my last night with my favorite associate before she heads back to gamecock country. wah. wah. wah.

ps. i got my anthropologie comforter! so excited! and lots of other fun & delicious goodies - including five bags of coffee... my friends know me so well!

listening to sigur ros.

i am very lucky.

xo.

even at twenty-five you got to start sometime

good morning, bloggers... tgif!

so much going on right now. and i can't even manage to put away my laundry.

"so we saved the world together for a while, and that was lovely."

you can box me in, but you know i'm not right for you. - pearl & the puppets

Today a customer said, "You are so pretty. I think that every time I come in here."

the crack on my laptop has grown to a missing piece.
 
i'm still not sure how this little mishap occurred. it will always be one of life's little mysteries.

like which came first, the chicken or the egg? and how many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?

the world may never know.

"keep calm & eat oreos." - one of my associate's fb

ps. i have today off and all i wanna do is hang out at a coffee shop and read & write, but i have to clean. seriously. i can't live this way anymore. wah. wah. wah.

the market common in myrtle beach is a magic place.
first, p.f. changs, then i went to anthropologie *le sigh*

this dress was lovely.

this bedding felt amazing.

unfortunately neither was in my budget after the new handbag i found at the coach factory store. hpmh.

Coach Leather Convertible Zoe. Graphite.

and heck no, i didn't pay as much as it's listed for anywhere on ebay. silly rabbit.

ps. has anyone read the happiness project? there is a link to it on my wishlist. it sounds as interesting as the geography of bliss, but perhaps more entertaining.

I would also like a subscription to Barista Magazine. Please & Thank You.

I want need a gps. Life is happier with direction.

(Let's not forget I have a birthday coming up... hahaha... Pass it on!)

PREVIOUSLY ON LOST...
I am so confused.
And I thought Charlie was dead.
Who the eff is Ethan?
Why do they want Claire?
Sawyer did two nice things.
Jack & Kate just need to get together.
Locke freaks me out.
Everybody loves Hugo.

I'm seriously contemplating watching a third episode tonight. I might not get my life back until after I watch all six seasons. I haven't even unpacked from my trip yet. Oy.

An excerpt from my inbox:

"I'll try not to send you messages in the middle of the night while intoxicated in the meantime."

Wait. Why am I single?

Ryan: I have this red power tie on today and aside from looking like a member of the Click Five, I want to like... take over some shit.
Me: Haha. Do it. Did you also wake up this morning feeling like P Diddy?
Ryan: Sean Combs wake up feeling like ME. Duh.
Me: Haha. Oh really? That wasn't in the song...
Ryan: This isn't just some song and dance Erin Gail. This is real life!

It was surprisingly easy to go back to work today... once I was there of course. The idea of going back was horrific. I miss vacation. I have other trips planned this year, but hopefully I'll be able to take some time in September to head down to the Dirty South to visit friends.

We're missing a manager again at work. She stepped down while I was gone. Eff.

Oh well.

I'm reading at least three different books right now.

I want to go see Inception this weekend. Date Night. With myself. Score.

Speaking of dates.... last Friday, I was helping this lady (about sixty-ish years old probably)...

Me: Can I help you find anything, ma'am?
Lady: No. I'm just looking... I'm getting ready for a date. A hot hot date.
Me: Oh... Ok. (I was a little taken aback... ) Well, let me show you my favorite. It's Sensual Amber.

Evidently, the aforementioned date was with a man she almost married two decades ago. She ended up buying Moonlight Path and Dancing Waters. Those don't scream I'm ready for some action to me, but I hope they worked out well for her.

Me: Good luck on your date tonight!
Lady: Thank you... I can't remember the last time I went on a date.... much less a really hot one.

She was really excited. And awkward. And just kept saying "a hot hot date" over and over again. I was kinda jealous to be honest. I can't remember the last time I was that excited about a date. Hmph.

Anyway, I need a jar for my coffee. I ground a bag and realized I didn't have a cute little (airtight) jar for it. Sad.

Oh and yes! Vacation was lovely. The entire time. I'm so glad Mj got to go with me. It was her first DMB experience and there was only one person between us and the stage. And I really like Virginia. It's for lovers. I think that's because it's lovely.

And, finally, I miss Columbia. Decisions.

I can't wait until my birthday. I'm so very excited to have a lot of my friends all in one place and to be a quarter of a century old and to get a break on my insurance.... little victories.

xoxo.

PTO. Day 2.

I'm actually only using two days of paid time off (pto) for this little five day adventure. The other three are just days off. It's nice to get paid to do what I want.

I'm really enjoying my time in Columbia. Every time I'm here I remember how much I love it. Maybe it's just the people and if they weren't here, then I wouldn't love it so much. Or maybe it's really the city... the coffee shops, the food, the scenery. I think it's the people. Yep.

Last night, after Blue Cactus, we hung out at the Espinosa Homestead. Joey made irish cream and Greg packed a bowl of blue mist and we all just hung out until three in the morning. It was lovely.

Until I realized I forgot my toothbrush. Who does that?

This morning I went to Strudel with Alison & Courtney. Hangover Hashbrowns. Chocolate Chip Coffee. And a sticky bun to go. Yum. Yum.

Now, Alison is looking at puppies online and Hugs is watching a movie on the pink couch while Bruce sleeps wherever it's convenient. It's a super cute home/family. I hope one day that I can get married and make a home this happy.

I'm busy googling whoopie pie recipes. We were going to bake a cake, but we decided to leave that to the professionals (i.e. Charles) while we venture into the category of mini minty things. We'll see how this goes.

PS. I did get my hair fixed. It's... not blonde. It's brown with caramel & reddish browns. I can't explain, but I'm pretty sure I like it. I don't have a picture or I'd show you. Wah.

Two days until DMB. One day until my Immac Mocha.

Also, I just realized that my blog has followers that aren't spammers. Hi, readers! Some of you I know and some of you I don't, but thanks for reading. It makes me really happy.

xo.

Holy blogging, Batman!

I've done this a lot in the last 24 hours.

But I had a really good day - except for my super blonde hair which I will have fixed on Saturday.

I got some excellent Majesta & Tonya time. (I swear those two keep me sane.) And family time. And Kara came by. And I went to Kinetic (the new small group at Crosstowne) tonight. Now, I'm doing laundry & watching LOST. But wow, I forgot how much I love being a part of a small group. I like being challenged and learning new things. It's refreshing. And it has been so easy for me to get out of the habit of a right mind and to get stuck in dreary monotony. Wah. Wah. Wah.

I've let my cup be filled with preconceptions of life and of settling.

I deserve better than that and so do the people around me.

"And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind..."

if you fall for me, i'm not easy to please.

or wherever flip flops are possible. i hate being financially responsible, but i love my salary. it'd be awesome to just up and move... like rachel did to nyc. but even moving back to columbia would require everything to line up just right so i would be able to keep my position. not to mention that i do love charleston and it's people. c'est la vie.

also, grey or gray? does it matter?

it does to me. i prefer grey. just so you know.

I started watching LOST tonight.
I have so many questions right now.
And I'm only on episode three.

And, yes, I'm always the last to do everything. i.e., watch LOST, read Twilight, read Harry Potter. I'm not a joiner, but I like to follow up.

Also, tomorrow is my day off. Huzzah!

And I have a giant to-do list before I peace out of Charleston on Saturday.

Baby steps.

Note: It is nice when someone tells you they find you both mentally & physically attractive.

Note: It is not flattering when someone you don't really know texts you "goodnight sexy".

I'm just saying.

good morning interwebs.

i'm excited about this week.

i'm even more excited about this weekend.

and my five days off.

yes, please.

an evening at home alone includes:

glasses for my tired eyes
grilled cheese w. tomato
facebooking
reading I Was Told There'd Be Cake by Sloane Crosley
Dave Matthews Band Live at Piedmont Park
making iced coffee
playing with the dogs (the big one busted my lip)

"I do want to get married. It's a nice idea. Though I think husbands are like tattoos - you should wait until you come across something you want on your body for the rest of your life instead of just wandering into a tattoo parlor on some idle Sunday and saying, 'I feel like I should have one of these suckers by now. I'll take a thorny rose and a MOM anchor, please. No, not that one - the big one.'" (from I Was Told There'd Be Cake)

i'm thinking of starting my netflix again.
do i want to watch House or Lost? please cast your vote.

also, the backroom at my store looks fantastic if i do say so myself.

melatonin kicking in.

xo.

psalm 42

when my soul is in the dumps, i rehearse everything i know of you...

[the message]

the way coffee should be made. with love.

today (ok, yesterday technically...)

gym with mj.
monster music: edward sharpe & the magnetic zeros. plainfield project. patrick park. wakey!wakey!
steven hug for the first time in a year.
hope&union. with kt. banana nutella turnover. iced panama. friendsoverload. secrets and good good talk.
work.work.work. clean.clean.clean. organize.organize.organize.
green tea & a vanilla bean cupcake.
chittychat with rachel. talk about life. boys. food. snarkasm.
read blogs.
change my blog around. do it again. and again.

and here i am.

good day.

this time next week, i'll be beginning a 5 day vacation. paid time off is awesome.

gmail chat makes long distance bearable & conversations more interesting.

me:  and what do numbers and flirting matter if you don't want to date any of them?

Rachel: at least there is an option if times get desperate. and if some people seem to like you then there's a glimmer of hope that someone awesome will too.

me:  meh. i prefer being single to dating losers or marrying one.

 

that's my story and i'm sticking to it.

“I was about half in love with her by the time we sat down. That’s the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty… you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are." -  J. D. Salinger (via misswallflower) (via watertoboats) (via laura bousman)

p.s. boys (men) totally get the short end of the dating stick.

yeah. i said it.

well, hot & heavy, pumpkin pie...

We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us! But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love. - 1 Corinthians 13, 12-13

I just realized I got paid to not work yesterday. Fantastic! I love this country.

i don't know everything about what i want out of life, but i do know a little bit of what i'd like to see unfold. i need a plan of action. one day at a time. go go gadget thinking cap.

i cut up my pink sparkly vickie's card.

and i have awesome friends. it's true.

me: i dunno who i was talking to, but the night matt broke up with me was... 1. awful but 2. awesome bc you and tony and bob and kt rushed to my rescue with beer and cigarettes and i got to get drunk and write a bill 

Rachel:  hahahahahahaha

me:  i'm just saying.

Rachel:  you're loved. a lot.

being in columbia over the last 24 hours renewed my spirit and made me remember what life is really all about.

the time my best friend moved to brooklyn 
and i made a cd about life...

the city swells up like a symphony:

1. Brooklyn - Wakey!Wakey!
2. Wheel - John Mayer
3. Brooklyn Blurs - The Paper Raincoat
4. Places - Blue Merle
5. I and Love and You - The Avett Bros.
6. Shadows - Au Revior Simone
7. Something Pretty - Patrick Park
8. Oh My Stars - Andrew Belle
9. Make Me Love You - Slow Runner
10. No One's Gonna Love You - Band of Horses
11. Manhattan - Kings of Leon
12. Bulletproof - La Roux
13. I'm Good, I'm Gone - Lykke Li
14. I Got You - Leona Lewis
15. Almost Everything - Wakey!Wakey!
16. My Night With The Prostitute From Marseille - Beirut
17. Forever Young - Youth Group
18. One Crowded Hour - Augie March
19. Paint the Silence - South

"just because i graduated doesn't mean you need to ask me what i am going to do with my life...if i knew i'd be doing it. and once i know i'll just start doing it so you don't need to keep asking.
side note: finding a sugar daddy is a lot harder than i thought it was going to be...."

via. searching for the yet

something i read this morning:

"Why should I spend an hour in prayer each day when I do nothing  during that time but think about people I am angry with, people who are angry with me, books I should read, books I should write, and a thousand other silly things that  happen to grab my mind  for a moment? The answer is because God is greater than my mind and my heart, and what is happening in prayer is not measurable in terms of  human success  and failure. What I must do first of all is be faithful. If I believe that the first commandment is to love God with my whole heart, mind and soul, then I should at least be able to spend one hour a day with nobody else but God. The question  as to whether it is helpful , useful, practical, or fruitful is completely irrelevant, since the only reason to love is love itself. Everything else is secondary.

The remarkable thing, however , is that sitting in the presence of God for one hour each morning - day after day , week after week, month after month - in total confusion and with a myriad of distractions, radically changes my life. God, who loves me so much that he sent his only son not to condemn me but to save me, does not leave me hanging in the dark too long.  I might think that each hour is useless, but after thirty, or sixty or ninety useless hours, I gradually realize that I was not as alone as I thought; a very small, gentle voice has been speaking to me far beyond my noisy place. So: be confident and trust in the Lord."

And now I'm listening to  Andrew Belle and Wakey!Wakey!

Me likey likey.

but you know i'll never let this go to waste. i'll keep this memory on the map i trace.

I feel like a 25 year old shouldn't miss her friends this much when they leave. Hmph.

Listening to: Everybody's Leaving Town - David Gray. I and Love and You - The Avett Bros. Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise - The Avett Bros. Wheel - John Mayer. Shadows - Au Revior Simone. My Night With The Prostitute From Marseille - Beirut. One Crowded Hour - Augie March. Over the Hills and Far Away - Led Zeppelin. No One's Gonna Love You - Band of Horses.

And Ke$ha. Duh.

And you can't build a house of leaves and live like it's an evergreen. It's just a season thing. It's just this thing that seasons do. 

espinosa wedding was a success! and, oddly, this song will now always make me think of my friends. love. love. love.

Many is a word that only leaves you guessin', guessin' 'bout a thing you really ought to know.

today was good, then bad, then good, then bad.

the end.

lykke li + drake = little bit (remix)

i love remixes.

i would type more but i think i jacked up a muscle or nerve or something in my right hand. it hurts like whoa.

gym. early bird diner. starbucks. work. full day. xoxo.

THE TIME MY JETTA GOT SPRAY PAINTED

Officer: Who does the car belong to?
Roy: It's my daughter's car.
Officer: Ok. Do you have any enemies or know who would do this?
Me: Enemies? No. I'm very lovable.
Officer: I believe that.



moral: it is not ok to spray paint a car that does not belong to you.


the end.

THESE TWO THINGS:

1. "Decisions, decisions, decisions . . . they're the driving forces in life, and today's 20-somethings are swimming in them. In "The Choice Effect, " Amalia McGibbon, Lara Vogel, and Claire A. Williams identify the dilemma of 20- and 30-somethings whose options in love and life have been greatly enhanced by unprecedented opportunities and promise of fulfillment. As ambitious, successful women in their late twenties, the authors offer their personal accounts of trying to balance their personal, professional, and romantic endeavors, as well as those of their friends and interviewees. In analyzing the options available in the modern world, "The Choice Effect" not only celebrates the opportunities of today's young adults -- and the potential to live the life they want -- but also offers a glimpse of what they might be conceding along the way."

2. The One Where Not Much Has Changed (except for everything)

This room might be the perfect room. Purple. Hint of green. Lots of light.

yesterday was lovely.

i did just about everything on my to-do list! woohoo!

first, target, of course. but then tonya and i went downtown to have coffee and visit the spoleto art. then we went to steven madden where i found gold shoes in my size that were 40% off for the wedding. salsa bar beckoned us for lunch. then there was sephora to be striped and buy new makeup. more coffee & mini vanilla bean scones. then Whole Foods because tonya had never been. so very fun. it was a complete charleston day.

then i came home to bathe lollipop. i cleaned the kitchen & the bathroom. i started laundry. and made iced zen tea concentrate so i don't spend my life savings at starbucks or barnes & noble. i ate the macaroni & cheese tonya sent me home with for dinner & maple vegetarian sausage. yum.

my life is good.

via thresca

i should be at the gym. i'm getting there. i swear. just a little late today. hmph.

this week i close every night i work. lame. so i am going to focus on good things from my days instead of the lousy things.

my weekend was lovely, btw.

matt & cristy lee's wedding was beautiful. i wish i had taken pictures.

seeing old friends & making new ones was wonderful.

being in columbia was both happy & sad because i have both happy & sad memories there. it's hard to let go of it.

courtney was a lovely little hostess who filled me with caffeine & cheese fries (which i'm certain is the key to winning my heart).

i'm really enjoying iced green tea & dark chocolate covered apricots right now.

i got the new jack johnson. i don't like it as much as i wish i did. i am really enjoying the fall playlist i made last year.

this morning, i had homemade blueberry preserves in my greek yogurt. maryann sent them to me from hattiesburg. yum.

my room smells like sandalwood fig. i love it.

ok. that's all i have right now, i believe.

oh. i am thankful for to-do lists. the end. xoxo.

"When people wait on an ice cream line, they're waiting for a treat. So they're happy, they're thinking, what flavor should I get? They don't mind the anticipation. But a coffee line is for drug addicts. And drug addicts are assholes." - Hypocrite in a Pouffy White Dress

This is one of my favorite quotes from a book ever. I remember reading it in the waiting room while my Dad was having his lungs checked and I laughed out loud and all the people looked at me funny. Then I read it to my Dad who laughed out loud. Then people stared at me like I was evil for making the man with a bunk lung laugh. It's ok. He still quotes it to me all the time.

And it's true, btw. But I've seen people waiting for ice cream get uber cranky, too. Don't let the treat part fool you.

"BP wants Twitter to shut down a fake BP account that is mocking the oil company. In response, Twitter wants BP to shut down the oil leak that's ruining the ocean." - Jimmy Fallon, Late Night (via delete the adjectives)

"Unless it's mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it's a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life - love shouldn't be one of them."

example number 3: logan vs. marty in gilmore girls

"I still maintain she should've ended up with Marty. Logan was too pretentious and stupid. He jumped of cliffs with no regard for anyone but himself. Pssh. Marty was a pretty decent guy. He never called her "Ace" the way Logan did, but still. Marty watched Duck Soup with her. And they were bonded after she found him in her corridor naked after the party they had in their dorm."

via cuppycake.blogspot.com


I don't know how I find these blogs. Really. It's like they're just handed to me sometimes. And when I read entries like this one, I know that the blog is special (like stop eating the paste special) and I add it to my Google Reader (i.e. the best thing to happen to me since gmail on the interwebs).

And, just for the record, this isn't necessarily my point of view on the subject.

you hold me in your hands
you won't let me fall
you still my heart
and you take my breath away

"We have left black and white Kansas behind, people.  Welcome to the technicolor Oz of the kingdom of heaven, where anything is possible."

via Internet Bard

That post made me cry a little. I'm just saying.

I'm listening to Angel Taylor. The first song on her cd is called "Chai Tea Latte". I like it. I mean it's silly, but she sings about chai & reese cups. It's kind of sad though too. She's waiting for someone (specific) to ask her out. "And seeing you in person is so much better than my thoughts and my dreams."

I had the last two days off. They were lovely. And now I have to go to work... at my new store... and it's raining. I hope this is a good week.

Last night I watched Gilmore Girls - when Lorelai & Luke break up and Rory & Logan get together. It made me cry a little, too. Dang. I'm a mess. But it also made me laugh, so perhaps I'm just well-balanced.

"Coffee-coffee-coffee is a saying, like an exaggeration. It's a funny, desperate cry for caffeine. It's just my thing. 'Cause everyone knows I drink a lot of coffee, so the day can't start until I've had my jolt. It's a bit. My bit."

I realize this post is short and not very detailed oriented - my apologies. Maybe next time!

I just found out I get bonus from Citadel Mall today. It's an $85 gift card - so exciting!

By this time next week my credit card will be paid off. How crazy is that? My mastercard will have a zero balance. My Vickie's card will have a zero balance. My Express card always has a zero balance. I am going to start paying extra on my car loan. Maybe joy is financial freedom.

Ok, so not JOY. But satisfaction. No one can find JOY through dollars. Trust me, I know... I shop in all the right places.

I'm almost done with A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. I'm loving it. It reminds me of hope. Hope that everything happens for a reason and that everything, including pain, has meaning.

"Frankl's papers, written after surviving the camps, and even after losing his wife to the Nazis, indicated a philosophical conclusion that misery, though seemingly ridiculous, indicates life itself has the potential of meaning, and therefore pain itself must also have meaning." Interesting, huh?

He also talks about Job and how God basically says to Job (who has his family, wealthy & health taken from him) "I know what I am doing, and this whole thing isn't about you."

And "Job responds, even before his health and wealth are restored by saying, 'All of this is too wonderful for me.' Job found contentment and even joy, outside the context of comfort, health or stability. He understood the story was not about him, and he cared more about the story than he did about himself."

Crazy, right?

It's just so much easier to be upset. How do these people do it?

Anyway, I'm almost done with it. I think I learned from it. Maybe I'll read another Don Miller book. Or maybe I'll finish 'In Defense of Food' or 'Crazy Love' or re-read 'Eclipse' since the movie comes out next month.

I need shoes for Alison's wedding.

I need to finish my coffee. I've become addicted to peppermint mocha creamer - I'm not sure why. It doesn't really taste like mocha at all. But I also hate mochas. Except from Immac.

I need to go to work & get prepared for all my interviews - eek! And all my changes for tonight - oh boy! Then two sweet days off. Yess.

(photo via apartment therapy)

"Joy is what you feel when the conflict is over. But it's the conflict that changes a person." - Robert McKee (via A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller)

Joy is having a place to call your own where you're free to decorate by color & have a cow creamer. Well, at least it is for me.  That is where I'm trying to end up at the moment.

ps. dear anonymous commenter on my last post, does the club have buttons? real clubs have buttons.

So, last week was a big week. I'm pretty tired from it.

I drank beer and ate coconut cream pie on Shem Creek. I saw The Dave Matthews Tribute Band and drank from a koozie with David Hasselhoff on the bottom. Party at the Point had a giant walking Taco Bell sauce packet. I ate rocky road & banana pudding ice cream. I went to the Charleston Pride Party and saw a drag queen yell at Tonya. I was sore for three days from the gym. I had an altercation with my two dogs and a raccoon. On Sunday, I had a cupcake for breakfast. I bought sillybandz in the shapes of zoo animals. I met some awesome people. I met some not so awesome people. I worked at my new store... Finally. I got to work with my Sales Leads and a few associates. It's so weird being bumped from store to store. Right now, I'm training in my new position. Today, I spoke out on conference call and published my very first Bath & Body Works schedule. I've been running on coffee. 

Also, I had someone ask me to go to a wedding with them. A stranger. I had plans, so I had to say no (even though I wanted to say yes), but now I'm kicking myself for it. He was funny. And cute. And evidently a (successful) dreamer. I wonder what he would have done if I had actually taken him up on the offer... Hmm. I want to track him down and try again, but I'm pretty sure he told me he was going to Europe for the rest of the summer. Eff.

I'm going to be single forever.

At least my life is eventful.

Tomorrow is my day off. I have a list of things to do. Excited!

Ryan Adams. Demolition or Heartbreaker? I can't decide which one is the best.

"But I also wondered if he wasn't right, that we were designed to live through something rather than to attain something, and the thing we were meant to live through was designed to change us. The point of a story is the character arc, the change."

 “I believe there is a writer outside ourselves, plotting a better story for us, interacting with us, even, and whispering a better story into our consciousness."

“It’s true that while ambition creates fear, it also creates the story. But it’s a good trade, because as soon as you point toward a horizon, life no longer feels meaningless. And suddenly there is risk in your story and a question about whether you’ll make it. You have a reason to get out of bed in the morning.”

- Donald Miller

i'm blogging a lot today...

when i was in college, i had a friend whose name was nathan (nate) lowe. he used to sweep & mop for me at work. go on adventures to the abandoned asylum. take me to the julie heffernan exhibit. make me little paper hearts. write scriptures & encouraging words on sheets of paper when times were tough or people were leaving. and it wasn't just me. he was a friend to all of us. one day he moved away & we lost contact.

i didn't know it at the time, but he inspired me. when i was with him, i saw things differently than i did by myself. i learned to love people differently. to judge differently. to wonder about life differently. i don't know where he is now or why i've been thinking about him, but i have & i hope he's well & happy in life.

in other news... today, i:

• went to the gym with mj
• took lollipop to the vet. i spent a chunk getting her special shampoo, skin allergy pills, ear wash & medication. i think she's happier.
• got my toes did. they're a pretty shade of purple now.
• rsvp'd to attend FABULAS w. my friends
• made a grooming appointment for lollipop
• had coffee with kt at hope & union
• had mojitos & shrimp tacos at midtown happy hour
• bought a green french press (i'm having buyer's remorse though - maybe i'll take it back) & a caramel macchiato (i forgot how delicious those are - oh my!)
• befriended my neighbor, Patrick, who I think disliked me previously
• did (began, really) my laundry

i think that's everything. all in all, it was a good day. i just wish that i could come home to my own place where it didn't matter if i got my laundry done on time or washed the peanut butter spoon i used to force feed lollipop her meds. one day.

and i want to make this recipe. asap.

i didn't write this blog (clearly bc i do not have a husband nor do i work at a little italian restaurant) but i completely empathize... or sympathize... i'll have to wiki the difference.* hmph.

via: belle renee

The Story

Last week, I gave my two weeks’ notice at the coffeeshop. For those of you keeping track at home, this is the second time I’ve given my two weeks’ there. Remember how I did the same in January to pursue freelance writing and a part-time position with one of my besties at a tea shop? Well, long story short, the tea shop position fell through and freelancing wasn’t even scratching the surface of paying the bills, so I stuck it out at the coffeeshop part-time for five more months. In the meantime, I picked up 25 hours a week serving at a little Italian restaurant.

The Schedule

For nearly four months I’ve been working my balls off. Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays at the coffeeshop from 5:30am to 2:00pm, Thursdays off, and Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays at the restaurant. Recently I’ve been doing back-to-back doubles at the restaurant, meaning I’d be working from 10:45am to 10:00pm at the earliest. I’d run all my errands on Thursday and coax my body into not being sore and tired, though, inevitably it always was.

The Aftermath

My body hurts. My soul hurts. My feet ache, my calves are perpetually tight, my hands are sore, I haven’t seen my friends in ages, and I just feel ugly — inside and out. I haven’t been taking care of myself and I don’t have the energy to take care of my house and my husband and my life. My house is in disarray from the two floods we incurred in two months and my cat just puked on my nice comforter. I’m a hot mess.

The Deal

But this is what I do. This is how I cope. This is exactly the pace I’ve set for myself my entire life. I go go go go go until I crash and burn. It’s all or nothing for me. If I’m not working my ass off 60+ hours a week, I don’t feel like I’m holding up my end of the bargain… but I constantly find myself at the end of my rope after burning my candle at both ends for far too long. It’s just what I do. Balls to the walls. Head down, barrel through, no one to blame but myself. It’s obvious I suck at balance. I don’t know what it is, how it feels, or what it looks like. I feel guilty when I take too much time for me. And “too much time” usually translates into “any time at all.” But I’m tired of feeling shitty, looking shitty, and being shitty to everyone I encounter.

The Pendulum

I call this the pendulum effect. I swing so far to the side of overworked and I hang there like one of those pirate ships at an amusement park. When I get relief, the chance to swing back, I sit on my ass, eat Pizza Rolls, wallow in self-pity, and feel like a total loser. There’s no grey area in the way I encounter life. All or nothing, baby, and dear god it’s exhausting.

So I quit one of my jobs. And I’ll just get used to working weekends. And you better believe I’m going to make the most of my time off, because you don’t know what free time is like until you completely deprive yourself of it.

* Sympathy is a social affinity in which one person stands with another person, closely understanding his or her feelings. Also known as empathic concern, it is the feeling of compassion or concern for another, the wish to see them better off or happier. Although empathy and sympathy are often used interchangeably, a subtle variation in ordinary usage can be detected. To empathize is to respond to another's perceived emotional state by experiencing feelings of a similar sort. Sympathy not only includes empathizing, but also entails having a positive regard or a non-fleeting concern for the other person.

"Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained." - C.S. Lewis

i love coffee. and clean hardwood floors.

i would like a plant that is quite hard to kill & doesn't need direct sunlight. when i have my own place i want lots of plants. yay photosynthesis!

sometimes i sleep sideways in my bed just because i can. what happens if you marry someone who also likes to sleep on your side of the bed? or they snore? or they have night terrors? then what?

i've been wondering recently what causes people to fall out of love with one another. is it time? circumstances? or is the other person really just more than you can handle? i really don't know. i've never fallen out of love with someone. i've never not loved someone who i loved at some point. even friendships that i've had to take a break from or have fallen by the wayside. i still love them.

God calls us to "love extravagantly".

love: to have a strong affection for

extravagantly: exceeding reasonable bounds

i wonder if it's more difficult to continue loving people or to let them go?

sometimes i think i don't tell people enough that i love them. or i appreciate them. or that they've touched my life. they're such big things to say. how do you say them? how do you show that? through a card? a cup of coffee? a text? an edible arrangement? a billboard doesn't even seem big enough.

You keep coming around to convince me that it's still far from over.

"There's nothing we can do about the things we have to live without. The only way to see again is let love in."

Goals:
Pay off Mastercard
Pay off Victoria's Secret Card
Cancel Express Card (bc I never use it)
Pay an additional $20/mo on Olivia
Save $3500
Move out
Pay off Olivia
Set up LB Savings & Retirement

hey, soul sister: i made this mix for my mom when she drove to nc. it's been living in my car for a couple of weeks now. i'm attaching it to sunny days with the sun roof open.

fall apart again.brandi carlile
when i look at you.miley cyrus
places.blue merle
hey soul sister.train
something beautiful.needtobreathe
been there before.hanson
every little star.erich skelton
beautiful love.the afters
everything's right.matt wertz
pony (it's ok).erin mccarley
the show.lenka
sooner or later.michael tolcher
who i am.nick jonas & the administration
beautiful beat.nada surf
her diamonds.rob thomas
come on get higher.matt nathanson
bigger than my body.john mayer
good life.OneRepublic
wonderful.gary go

pretty poppy. pretty catchy. pretty good for life.

sometimes life is so full that words escape me. or i just have writer's block. honestly, there has been so much happening that i have a hard time keeping up with it all. i got promoted! i saw papa roach! i'm blonde! i need to start looking for an apartment! i need new tires & brakes! starbucks has snazzy new marketing!

i need something more though.

i'm reading a million miles in a thousand years (i'm almost done, i swear) by donald miller & i'm trying to wrap my head around the 'my life as a story' concept.

the chapter about meeting bob made me cry.

i'm a lovely little mess, huh?

oh! i finally got all my clothes folded & put away. score one for me.

Oh my goodness. It's May.

 

before & after. i'm sorta blonde now. crazy.

please?

me:  i'm training the new me for citadel mall & she speaks spanish. no hablo espanol.
Rachel:  OOOoooo. we can learn spanish together!!!! on tape!!! while cooking dinner!!!
and making coffee in the green french press. and watching the "kids" play

me:  and making coffee in the green press

Rachel:  hahahahahahaha

me:  oh geez. we've already grown old together.

Rachel:  you're finishing my thoughts! that's adorable!

me:  i'm gonna be single forever.

a morning without coffee is sleep. triple grande, 2 pump, soy, no whip cinnamon dolce latte. it's not as complicated as it looks. but it is delicious.

I've been busy & I'm tired, so I'm going to bed now. Lame? Yep. So, I will leave you with another blog that I feel I can relate to because I'm twenty-something & single. Plus, today I had to add a superfood drink to my lunch just so I felt like I was getting some of the nutrients I needed. Sad? Maybe. Necessary? Absolutely. Evidently one cannot live on soy lattes alone.


via CAFFEINATE-ME (the one with the grey area)

Once upon a time not long ago, someone told me that they weren't comfortable with grey areas. And I thought, "Well, that must really suck, because my entire life is one big nebulous grey area."

Except so very not.

(Unless we're talking about the Law of Averages here.)

See, I sort of think that the Perfect Adult Version of My Life is a perfect adult shade of grey. Because, to me, grey means balance. Like I would somehow find a way to blend my multiple personalities and different moods and create just the right shade of grey. Equal parts Good Girl and Bad girl. Equal parts Focused and Party. Equal parts Planned and Spontaneous. Equal parts Introvert and Extrovert. Equal parts Social Time and Alone Time. Equal parts Free and Committed. All mixed together until it's just right and level.

I am not at all there yet.

Because, lately, my life is compartments.

On one side, there's loud, immature, slightly out-of-control area. This is the side who barely sees her apartment, aside from the brief periods of downing a bottled water, throwing used and tried-on clothing about, and taking a quick disco nap. This is the side that spends 24 hours fueled by only French fries, beer, cheap red wine, and butterscotch bread pudding. This is the side who is out to dinner with different people every night of the week. This is the part that's sending flirty text messages with the wrong people. This side buys a lot of shoes. This side is boisterous and ballsy. She says what she's thinking, whether it's good or bad. She's honest, but brash, and she's quick to let go. This is the side that is overcompensating for the other part.

On the other side, there's the quiet, simple, sometimes lonely area. This is the side who is learning to cook in single portions. This is the side that enjoys a quiet evening on the couch with several DVRed shows or a magazine. This side is learning to budget her money, and learning to live with depriving herself of frivolous luxuries. This side is in bed at a decent hour and on time to work in the mornings. She shops at the farmer's market, doesn't eat meat, and is adjusting to sustainable and unprocessed foods. She is quiet, so as to not offend. She emotes to herself. This side is there for you, if you need her, without demanding much in return. This is the side that is overcompensating for the other part.

Sometimes I find myself so excruciatingly comfortable in my loneliness that I flip completely to the opposite end of the spectrum, get completely out of control, and blow my money and my energy until I'm so tired I can't even stay awake long enough to put appropriate nutrients in my body. I do it again and again. I stay in until I'm unhappy and lonely, then I wild out until I'm unhappy and tired. Lately this has been particularly bad.

Truthfully, I don't want to be either side. I want to mix both sides together. I want to be grey!! But it's hard to reconcile the two. How can I eat whole foods when I'm craving Cheetos? How can I stay in and go out at the same time? How can I be both a grown-up and a child? It's impossible to be in two places at once.

Just for fun: my most recent Exhaust Yourself Until Exhausted phase, just this past weekend, which consisted of a haircut, Beer Fest (also known as 7 hours consecutive with a drink in my hand), a bachelor party, an 8-mile hike, a huge platter of curry that I fell asleep while eating, and an evening of vegetation and head petting.

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle. Life is a maze & love is a riddle. - Lenka, The Show

I missed my four year bloggiversary. Matter of fact, I don't think I've ever celebrated my blog growing older. Maybe next year. My blog will be five and that seems worth remembering.

blogs take up a lot of my time. i mean, i have a lot of them to read! then they all make me think about different things & click on different links. it's time consuming. *phew*

but after blog time, there is (right now) donald miller time. which is better than the oc on dvd time (shocking, yes?) and waayyy better than folding laundry time. ihatelaundry. it's my least favorite chore.

i hope i meet a man who likes folding laundry. then i will know he is the one.

(god willing) (please)

"And later there will be laundry happening, which is nothing to daydream about. I can't deal with reality." - Donald Miller

i had a fantastic day with my little sister yesterday. spring break is for pedicures, shopping, the new miley cyrus movie, lunching at sesame, dog time, sprinkly donut holes. it's also a little bit for cleaning which is not as fun as everything else, but a necessary evil.

i think my boy neighbor doesn't like me. i want him to be my friend. just because i think he doesn't want to be. does that make me a creeper?

eek.

America runs on Dunkin (a.k.a. Sugar). Note: I am a sucker for things that are small & covered in rainbow sprinkles.

Come close, listen to the story about a love more faithful than the morning. The Father gave his only son just to save us.

The earth was shaking in the dark. All creation felt the Father's broken heart. Tears were filling Heaven's eyes the day that true loved died. When blood and water hit the ground, walls we couldn't move came crashing down. We were free and made alive the day that true love died.

Search your heart, you know you can't deny it. Lose your life just so you can find it. The Father gave his only son just to save us.

Jesus is alive. He rose again. (Phil Wickham, True Love)

so, instead of doing laundry (because it is my least favorite of the chores), i have been puttering around the internet & reading blogs. and, whilst doing this, i have realized/pondered several things. i will share some of my musings with you...

1. I am not as cool as everyone else - especially west coast people. They are awesome. I like the South though. That's only kind of true. I watched a Nicholas Sparks movie today - those make me love the lowcountry. It is pretty. It's just not cool.
2. My blog is lame - I need someone to help me make it pretty & not be such a template (because that is exactly what it is...). Who is with me? Does it involve html? I get confused by that sometimes.
3. Cocoa Roasted Almonds are delicious. (I didn't learn that on the internet. That's from personal, in the moment, experience.)
4. I need a place to decorate & call my own. Design blogs are taking over my Google Reader. More people should use Google Reader. It.Is.Awesome.
5. I love light. It certainly makes or breaks a photo. Never underestimate the power of a well lit object or room. Really. Don't.
6. It is possible to mix nutella & vodka into ice cream. Hell yes.
7. I love snarky, caffeine obsessed people. They are my people.
8. This blog makes me laugh out loud. She's funny. And lives in LA. Maybe I should move to California. Is Orange County really like The OC? Are Balboa Bars real things? I just want the sunshine.
9. It all started here tonight bc I'm obsessed with chandeliers. It's sort of unhealthy how excited I get around them.
10. Trader Joe's is the best grocery store in the history of grocery stores. Everyone has one, but me. Life would be better with Trader Joe's. I am convinced of this.
11. How many people read my blog? Who are they? Why doesn't everyone comment more? Do my readers want more pictures or more stories? Do I even have readers? Eff.
12. I might have a problem with blogs... Don't most twenty somethings? Will I be allowed to blog in my thirties? What will life be like in my thirties? Why am I still awake?
13. I ramble a lot.

"You will step out of your comfort zone a little bit and try new things and meet new people. All of it is no where near as scary as you thought it would be. Keep that in mind and continue to test your fears. They tend to hold more power over you than they should. However, you will continually freak out over the prospect of dating. You will struggle with 'putting yourself out there' and fret over missed opportunities. You will realize that boys are always going to cause you confusion."

that brings us to now. midnight. i was supposed to go to bed an hour ago because i have to be at the gym at 8am. which means i have to get up & take care of lollipop. and feed & clothe myself properly before heading out.

AND I HAVE AN INTERVIEW TOMORROW. shit.

aren't interviews supposed to be like standardized tests? lots of rest. well balanced breakfast. you know the drill... minus the snack and no.2 pencils.

i can't wait to see amanda urowsky tomorrow. after my trainer kills me. after my interview. and i will treat myself with a sweet & salty brownie from BAKED. i need to budget better.

i love you & goodnight.

what a fool that i've been lately 
listening to broken fairy tales 
from those who never dream...
so kiss me, love, though they scream of it's impossible. 

these are lyrics from a band who no longer exists - the falls lost. i really liked them when they were around. and i really like the song. hooky. just the way i like 'em.

Hello readers!

I took this picture from Donald Miller's blog. Just to let you know that up front.

I haven't blogged in a week! What sort of craziness is that? I'm not sure myself.... I'll just do a quick update before I go to work.

I've been busy. Dogs are a lot of responsibility & take a lot of time. The same is true of friends. But both dogs & friends are fantastic things. Dinners. Birthdays. Long Battery Park Walks. And talks. Lots & lots of coffee. One really huge fight. Ok, so that was not so good. And I thought my trainer was trying to kill me at the gym. Also, weird 40 hour work weeks. Raises, Reviews & Interviews. Pros & Cons to all of those things. Ya know? You do. I know you do.

This week is no less awkward, but I am looking forward to it.

Soon, I would like to go to IKEA and buy this bedding. I CAN'T WAIT TO HAVE MY OWN PLACE ONE DAY SO I CAN DECORATE & FRAGRANCE IT TO MY HEART'S CONTENT! *phew* I'm glad I got that off my chest.

Everything is changing.

PS. You can buy Wonka Bars at Target.

Listening to: The Saltwater Room - Owl City, Worn Me Down (ep) - Rachael Yamagata, It's Good to be in Love - Frou Frou, Champagne Supernova - Oasis, Possibilty - Lykke Li.

I'm on The OC Season 2. Disc 4.

I'm reading A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller and In Defense of Food by Michael Pollan.

I'm really enjoying coconut iced coffee these days and the new Summer Vanillas at Bath & Body Works. And I'm still dreaming about the cake Mandy had at her birthday.

"But I also wondered if he wasn't right, that we were designed to live through something rather than to attain something, and the thing we were meant to live through was designed to change us. The point of a story is the character arc, the change." - Donald Miller

I love you all. Thanks for reading. Sorry I'm a flake. You will get used to it.

This is the ep version of this song. I prefer it. Yep.

"Whenever they say it can't be done, remind them that they make a jellybean that tastes exactly like popcorn." - John Mayer (via Twitter)

these are pretty. i would like them if someone doesn't mind. they're happy spring colors. i can't wait until it's really spring time. stupid march showers. daylight savings begins this weekend! yay!

Meet Cohen. My new fish. Yes, I named him after Seth Cohen from The O.C.. I am not ashamed of my love for Adam Brody.

 "We push ourselves because we have to. Not because we like it." - Grey's

this is my computer desktop. i stole the artwork from laura bousman a while ago. i hope she doesn't mind.

"Confidence, Cohen."

one of my favorite beers ever.
tastes like dirty south summer
on a wrap around porch with a breeze.

picture via: true believer

 

"Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." - Howard Thurman

i've been craving a frapp. odd.

things to do (in order of paychecks):
car wash
new running shoes
hair cut & color
down alternative comforter
trip to hattiesburg/nola
the oc season four

 

pretty pretty coffee. this was part of my breakfast this morning. delicious.