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It's been a long time since I sat in front of my computer to even think about blogging.

Life gets so bogged down with... well, life. We often let ourselves get swallowed whole and that's how we disappear. We get stuck in the bog and sink further with every misstep. I've had five jobs since 2013 and have found myself further and further away from where I want to be. I'm stuck in the bog of figuring out what I really want and what I really need. Is it more free time? Is it a better salary? Is it better coworkers? It might just be a good, swift kick in the ass from no one other than myself.

I've tried different jobs. I've tried more responsibility and less responsibility. I've tried throwing myself into homemaker. I've tried diet + exercise programs. I've tried identifying myself as a wife and dog mom. I am the summation of all these things. But I'm still not where I want to be.

(Where do I want to be? I don't know. I can't truly answer that, but I don't think it really has anything to do with work. I digress...)

What I really want to talk about is where I am right now... WHO I am right now.

I am a child of God.

And it has taken me a lot of missteps in the bog to remember I'm supposed to be listening to Fatherly advice, teachings, words of wisdom, and love.

"Repent therefore, and turn back, that your sins may be blotted out, that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord..." Acts 3:19-20

I'm not murdering or stealing, but I've let things come before the Lord in my life. I've not followed after Him or let Him guide my steps. And where have I found myself? I'm not in a bad place, but I'm not in the right place.

This last week, I've been doing the Lent Devotional from She Reads Truth - Jesus, Keep Me Near The Cross. It has been so dear to my heart and the words have been truths I needed to hear, truths I've needed to share, truths I've needed to heed.

So this is where I am. This is where I repent and began again.

I'm no longer a slave to fear. I am a child of God.

It's here! It's here! Vacation is here!

Nine days of no work, (mostly) no alarms, visiting loved ones, drinking copious amounts of coffee, listening to podcasts, abiding with my Abide journal from Naptime Diaries, and reading - hopefully lots of reading.

I have a couple of books picked out already:

1. The Vacationers - This one has been all over the interwebs. Bloggers are reading it. Friends are reading it. Now I am reading it - courtesy of the Charleston County Public Library - thanks!

2. The Interestings - A story about a group of friends and how they change and grow apart/closer as the years go on? Sold. It was also the book club book for A Beautiful Mess once. I like having their stamp of approval.

3. Delancey - Written by blogger Orangette, this is basically Kitchen Confidential happening in someone's first year of marriage. I love foodie memoirs and I love reading about marriages. Hopefully, these two marry well - pun certainly intended.

Now, I will be driving A LOT, so if you have any recommendations on favorite podcasts or music - I am now accepting suggestions!

Well, people, it's time to get this party started - over & out. xo.

I'm going on vacation soon.

Charlotte to see Dave Matthews Band with Tonya. Hattiesburg to visit Tom. New Orleans to see Tony and his lovely wife. Atlanta to stay with Amanda and her hubs and drink coffee at Octane.

I won't be alone, but I am going (mostly) alone.

And I think of all the times I've done things like this before and I'm excited to have the time away and to myself. And I'm sad because I think these times end when you get married and have kids and live in a house with a fence and responsibilities. And I'm annoyed because I think of all the things I need to do before I have house guests and all the things I need to pack up and move and clean and paint to move into a new home.

And most of all I'm nervous about having a breakdown so I'm praying for patience. It's not patience with others, even. It's patience with myself. To grow and be and move into these next stages of life. It's similar to mourning, but with much happier results.

I love what my life is and what it's becoming, but I also loved my life before. Do you know what I mean?

Has anyone seen Life Happens? Such a great movie about the way life, well, happens. I think it happens to be quite beautiful.

It's not raining, but I can hear the thunder rumble of a quick, but fierce summer shower somewhere in the distance. It's officially the first day of summer, so I guess it wouldn't be complete with an afternoon South Carolina shower.

I just woke up from a nap. Three hours is till just a nap, right? It's nowhere near the called for eight hours of sleep, but it is certainly a little bit more than just a twenty minute power nap.

I guess the first day of summer is cause for a three hour nap celebration. Am I right?

Plus, boy, I was just tired. This week has been a whirlwind of work, wedding, and personal trials.

Anyway, here are some things I've been thinking about this week:

• McDonald's and their cheeseburgers with those little diced onions. Noms. So, I went there today and ordered a #2. No shame.
• The Farmer's Market. I bought delicious blueberries and tomatoes and nutty goodness. I also bought some beautiful flowers. And I was accompanied by my lovely and talented friend, Kate. I hope I always live near a Farmer's Market and that I always have such awesome people in my life.
• Death. A friend's mom passed away this week. When tragedy strikes, what do you do? Nice words are a good place to begin, but then what? I'm so sorry for your loss, dear Jesse. Your mother did such a mighty fine job in her lifetime. xo.
• Podcasts. I've been listening to Joy and Tracy on the Joy the Baker Podcast. It reminds about ... life! Life outside of work, wedding planning, and personal trials. It also reminds me of California and New Orleans and my deep desire to travel and be near the people I love.
• Blogs. Blogging. Simplifying. Simple. Let's do it. (This only makes sense to me.)
• Marriage. Woah. That's happening soon. There are invitations to print and address. And stuff to move. And lives to combine. And woah. If you've ever taken two totally separate lives with two totally separate pasts and combined them into one, then you get it.
• Bible Journaling. Who has tips? Where do I start? How do I know I'm interpreting it correctly?
• Cold Brew Coffee. It's what keeps me going. It makes summer the best. 

So, that's it for now. Just a couple thoughts as I wake up from a nap and summer rains rumble in the distance.

xo.

My dad asked me this morning, "What do you want to do?"

I want to drink coffee and share it with others. I want to love on this community and build it up. I want to love on people and build them up. I want to serve with a purpose. I want to be local, but I want travel and share the love. I want to share experiences. I want to network and connect the people I know. I want to uplift. I want to stand behind something I love and believe in. 

That's all, you know?

xo.

I love my iPhone. I love Facebook. I love Instagram. I love iCloud and linked calendars. I'm connected and I've got a pretty high Klout score to prove it.

But, I'll tell you what I'm starting to dislike...

Texting.

I remember the days that you called and left a message on someone's answering machine and if the tape was out of space, then you were out of luck. Before that people had just call and see if you answered. Before that people had to mail letters. And before that people had to GO TO YOUR HOME (and it was ON FOOT and UPHILL BOTH WAYS) to talk to you. Talk about dedication.

No one does that anymore. No one shows up unannounced or surprises people. No one leaves voicemails. No one writes letters - we hardly write emails - who is going to write a letter?! (Other than Gabe who writes amazing letters complete with wax seal.)

We all text. Maybe we call first, but then we text. And we expect immediate gratification in the form of a text back. Right? You look for those three little dots on your iMessage that mean someone is typing. Heaven forbid they get distracted and those little dots just stay there for awhile.

They're mad at me. They don't like me. They're avoiding me. I said something wrong.

Damn. 

It's sincerely starting to give me anxiety. 

While you're taking your precious time texting back a.k.a. hating me a.k.a. just living your life in a way that doesn't involve your iPhone, I'm over here analyzing it. Not sleeping. Checking my phone over and over again because maybe it's on silent. 

Nope. It's not on silent and there's no message. 

Maybe it's on Do Not Disturb. (zips into settings) 

Nope. Not on Do Not Disturb. Still no message.

Maybe my iPhone is broken. I should turn it off and back on.

(Why is it taking so long to power on?)

Nope. No little red number has appeared next to my messages.

I'm just gonna wait 10 minutes before I check again.

(4 minutes pass.)

This must have been 10 minutes. Oh, only 4 minutes.

No message.

Maybe I should check my iPad messages.

Maybe I should chill the fuck out because I've wasted a massive amount of time waiting for someone who has a life (or maybe actually is avoiding me and I shouldn't be wasting my time with them) to respond to me and I've got nothing to show for it.

We've taken the meaning and work out of communication and replaced it with laziness and anxiety.

Maybe if we stopped texting so much, we'd get on with our lives.

Of course, we're doing this to ourselves and I am the guiltiest of all, but as long as I can't sleep and I'm thinking about it, then I should at least get a blog post out of it.

Something a lot of people would never guess about me:

I've run a half marathon.

I mean, if I was playing two truths and a lie and I threw that tidbit in there, then 99% of the time people would probably choose it as a lie. Why? I hate running. And I'm pretty vocal about it.

I don't hate running for the usual reasons. Although I do find difficult, boring and hard on my ankles.

I used to run. A lot. I dated this guy who was a runner. The first time he moved away, I started running to fill the time I used to spend with him so I wouldn't be so sad and so we would have something to talk about in letters, etc. I would run maybe two times a week and do pilates the rest. (Pilates will whip you into some firmness, btw.)

The second time he moved away, he started to run more - I'm talking 8-11 mile runs multiple times a week. This led to him often forgetting to return calls or being too tired to talk for a long time or not having time at all. So, the more he ran, the more I ran. I was lonely and I was angry. Oh, running helped you work off those feelings? Nope. Running made me try to fix those feelings. I shouldn't be angry, I should be proud and understanding. I shouldn't be lonely, I should be working on my own health. My feelings seemed invalid, so I ran to change them. I ran so we would have that one thing in common to hold onto.

I was running 5-7 days a week and 3-5 miles each time I ran. I was fit. I was angry. I was lonely.

I was running to hold onto something that he didn't want to hold onto - for a relationship he didn't want to be responsible for anymore. And we broke up. And it was hard and the worst kind of hurt.

I kept running. I thought if I kept running, then I could fix how hard it felt to be single again. I was still angry. I was still lonely. And I kept running. The less angry and lonely I began to feel, the less I ran, but I still held it in back pocket because I wasn't really over it all.

Finally, in 2011, I ran a half marathon with very little proper training. I ran those 13.1 miles and was tired and in pain, but I felt so amazing that I had completed such a feat. It felt like happiness and it felt like closure and it felt like I would never run again.

And I haven't run again. Not really. Partially because it's difficult, boring and hard on my ankles. Mostly because it's part of a really painful time in my life. It was an activity I used to hide part of who I was and cling to who I wanted to be even though I never really enjoyed it - the difficulty of the relationship or the actual running.

So, I don't do things I hate anymore because I don't want to feel less than me - less authentic.

And that's one of my two truths. It's not a lie.

I don’t want to do it, and it’s really liberating to say no to shit you hate. So you go ahead. You live your truth. I’ll be here, living my truth. - Hannah, GIRLS

When I go to bed, I'm cataloging the things I did during the day and the things I didn't get to finish. When I wake up in the morning, I'm mentally making a to-do list of what's to come. It's exhausting.

Last night was supposed to be my "me" night and I spent a lot of it working - going through photos and scheduling fb posts. Then I was was flipping my mattress and changing my sheets right before I got into bed (late). What's a girl to do?

Is anyone else out there a planner? How does it work for you? Do you have the ability to slow down? If I don't make plans, will things get done?

Yesterday, I read a post about Spring Cleaning Your Life - I just got rid of a lot of clothes. Now maybe I need to get rid of some priorities or procrastination tools - anything that's not serving my life for the better. (That's so hard to do!) Maybe it's that I need to ADD nothing time/white space to my calendar. Create a space. Hmmm.

Anyway, time to get up and at it. I'm listening to the rain and wondering how long it will last - maybe I'll get to wear my rain boots today!

xo.

I read a lot of interesting and GOOD posts on the internet in the last week-ish, so I'm here to share
with you!

1. Daylight savings time is here and that can make sleep difficult. Here's a list of 10 Sleep Remedies from Lauren Conrad.

2. I love before and afters. I love inspiration and organization. I love Naptime Diaries. Clearly, I love this post - before and after office organization with Jessi!

3. Some words about Amazing Grace - how sweet the sound.

4. 18 Habits of Highly Creative People.

5. 3 things that Create a Meaningful Life - with Donald Miller and Shauna Niequist.

6. Does money stress you out? Look at it in these ways and take a breath.

7. Well, this is just a dream come true by local lovely Olivia Rae James.

8. I bought these to wear for my new job. I love TOMS.

9. Speaking of TOMS - watch this video and get more info here. I ordered the Malawi and add visiting that cafe to my bucket list.

10. This. So many beautiful words from Emma Red Velvet.  And just a side note - this pie looks amazing.

So, if you're off this weekend - you're not working or traveling or planning a wedding (that's normally what I am doing) - then take a look at these words, ideas, and photos from others. Lemme know what you think!

xo.